When you have broken up with your girlfriend, you may find yourself constantly thinking of ways you can get her back. If you are serious about making up, there are some specific steps you will need to follow. I’ll outline three steps you can take to get your ex-girlfriend back, and then tell you about the best resource I know for anyone who has had a relationship break-up and wants to get back with the person they care about. It provides more information than space allows here.

Language of Desires

Remember, it is not guaranteed that you will get your ex-girlfriend back, even if you want it more than anything else and you try as hard as you can. The steps outlined here are a great start, but there is more to it than this.

1. Look at your relationship closely and find the factors that most likely contributed to the break-up. This is not to say you should blame either your ex-girlfriend or yourself. Nor should you focus on negative thoughts that lead to depression. In this first step, think back over your relationship and identify what went on between you that could have led to the break-up. Look at your own actions and take responsibility for them, not hers.

Was there something you did that hurt your girlfriend, like staying late at work and missing time you could have spent with her? Or did you fight over little things that led to bigger arguments? Or did you not do something you should have, such as taking her out to dinner on her birthday or pitching in with cooking, cleaning and other tasks around the home? Do you think that maybe she felt ignored and unappreciated?

After finding the most likely factors that led to your break-up, ask yourself whether it is something that you can still do something about, or if it is too late to fix the problem.

Fix anything you can still fix. Stop doing the things that hurt your relationship and start doing things that enhance it. Apologize to your girlfriend, but keep it brief, simple and above all, sincere. Make all appropriate amends that will help fix the problem.

If it’s too late to fix the problem that led to your break-up, remember it is never too late to make a heart-felt apology. Be willing to change any behavior you need to in order to keep your relationship thriving, and let your girlfriend know how committed you are to the relationship.

2. Get your girlfriend to want you back with a change in your behavior. Once you’ve dealt with the factors that led to the break up, the next step to getting back with your ex-girlfriend is to make her want you back. That may seem obvious, but most people don’t do it. If she was angry when you broke up, then you have to be a person who can make her happy again. You must be extremely patient and attentive. Be as sweet as you possibly can when you see her or talk to her.

Even if you’re unhappy or angry about the break-up, still be as pleasant as you can. Help her remember what she liked about you when times were good. If your girlfriend accepts your apology for what led to the break up as genuine and sees how nice you can be again, you may be able to get her back.

Here are some things to do when you see or talk to your ex-girlfriend.

* Really listen, and show it with eye-contact and putting down what you are doing while she talks

* Never interrupt or cut her off

* Let her finish expressing herself before you take your turn to speak

* Avoid imposing “oughts” on her–such as telling her what she ought to feel or ought to do.

Your girlfriend won’t come back to you if you are bossy or overbearing. Always get her side of an issue and sincerely take it into consideration. Let her know you mean it when you say you want to know how she is feeling and what she is thinking.

3. Take note whether your strategies are having the desired effect–and when they aren’t. Look for evidence that her attitude toward you is getting softer. Perhaps she’s a little nicer when you’re with her. Maybe you have been seeing her more often or having more phone conversations. Maybe she even initiates the contact with you more often than before, or is less distant and evasive than she has been for a long time. Your efforts to get her back are working!

When she sees how nice it is to be with you, she’ll want to get together with you more often. Then she’ll remember why she became your girlfriend in the first place.

Watch for the flip side, too. Notice if your girlfriend suddenly stops spending as much time with you as before, or if she gets angry when you talk to her, or becomes more distant and evasive. Those are warning signs that you’re trying too hard. Being demanding and pushy will make her uncomfortable and sabotage the progress you’ve made by following these steps. Back off, relax, and just be yourself. This will improve your chance of getting back with your ex-girlfriend.

These three steps will lay a foundation for getting your ex-girlfriend back.

There are additional steps you need to take, as well as things to avoid at all costs. A good place to learn what those steps are is The Magic of Making Up by T.W. Jackson.

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