One of the most devastating things which can happen to anyone in their life is the ending of a relationship with someone they love. Sometimes a person knows that the end is coming and feels powerless to do anything to prevent it. Sometimes it just comes out of the blue and the person is left dazed with shock, wondering what has happened. Either way, when the person you love leaves you, the pain you feel is beyond words or expression. How is it possible to feel empty and yet in so much pain at the same time?

You start to tell yourself that they will come back tomorrow, or the day after, because you just can’t believe that it’s true. When days pass and they are still gone then you fall into despair. It’s hard to even begin to imagine living without them and you whole life can suddenly become empty and hollow. Everything you do, even boring old routine stuff, reminds you of them. It’s had to adapt to being single when all you want is the person you love back in your arms and everything back where it was. But think about it for a moment -you don’t really want everything back where it was because something was wrong, something was not right with the relationship otherwise it wouldn’t have ended. You may have been happy but your partner can’t have been. That doesn’t mean you have done something wrong – it just means that the relationship wasn’t working as it should have been.

So What Do You Do Now?

You have choices -Do nothing and just accept it’s over and try to get on with life as best you can until you heal. Lots of people do take this option. Beg your loved one to come back. This is never a good option. They probably won’t come back and it means that you hand them power over you on a plate. Even if they did come back as a result of you begging the relationship would be one sided and probably wouldn’t last. You would not have done anything to solve the underlying problem.

The third option is the one to go for if you really want to get back together and make things work long term.

You must take a step back and take a good hard detached (as far as possible) look at what the relationship was like. If you have a close friend who will he honest and objective then it may help to talk it through with them.

Look at what might have changed over the last weeks or months, was there some sort of turning point? Change of job, or maybe some family problems?
Have you changed the way you behave – have you been withdrawn or short tempered or tired?
Were you socializing less together?
Has your partner been unwell or worried about anything?

It may be nothing to do with any of the points above but it’s the sort of thing which is worth thinking about.

Have you been there when you partner really needed you?
Would you say that your partner knew, without any doubt, that you loved them?
What was your ordinary daily life together like – was it all work and no play or did you make sure to have fun together?

These are just some suggestions to start you thinking about your relationship and hopefully you will be able to take this process further and get a realistic picture of where you actually were as a couple when the break up happened. One thing you definitely need to do after the break up is to demonstrate to both yourself and your ex that you are capable of handling the break up. I don’t mean that you should try to appear cold and pretend that you don’t care. That could be counter-productive in the end. What I mean is that you need to maintain absolute dignity and continue to live, not just to exist.

Think about it – you want your ex to see you as someone they might potentially want to be with again at some time in the future – not as a hopeless gibbering wreck who can’t live without them – frankly that’s not very attractive to anyone. So keep you head up and keep on living – you need to make them want you back after all! Now the actual process of getting back together can be a complex one and needs careful handling, especially in the early stages. There are one or two very good guides available which will help you to get it right and avoid the mistakes which are very easy to make in this situation, especially when you are emotionally distressed. It’s a worthwhile investment to make if you genuinely want to get back with your partner and rebuild your relationship on sound foundations. The last thing I would say is don’t despair, although the situation may feel hopeless it doesn’t have to be. Couples do get back together after break ups and many of them stay together, but this usually only happens when they have taken the time to work through things properly. So if you really want them back take time over it and make sure you get it right.

For help and guidance on saving your relationship and rebuilding your future read Getting Back Together